Late-night Foray into the Void

On a relatively late-night stroll into the ether, or the internet as it were, I found my way into my own particular gut wrenching subsection. I began looking at tiny houses and wondered what it would be like to quit my job and live a life of traveling and seeing the world. Then I was watching a video about a deaf girl who could sing better than I ever could even in the prime of my chorus days and then I landed on the one that broke me. Turned my already fracturing understanding of the human race and its current way of functioning into a pile of ashes.

I splintered and shattered as I looked at an old man while he described to a boy what it was like for him to come out as gay when he was younger. He briefly described that it was illegal and that if you were spending the night with a male friend and the police came in and found you in bed together that you could be arrested simply because. Watching him dream about what it would be like to be able to think about being gay as maybe not “such a big deal” and definitely not face the same consequences as he would have in his youth.

And all I can say is what have we done? What are we still doing? We make people who are too old to restart, or too tired to try again, dream about the sludge that we still turn out as human beings. To fantasize about the trash that is being put forth by many people toward the LGBTQA community is inconceivable to me, even though I know progress has been made. And no, I am not talking about LGBTQA community exclusively, my hopelessness encompasses all oppressed or discriminated against people.

What kind of a society are we that we can’t just let people be. Where I, who pass in all ways, still want to escape the shit people we have become as a society. When did it become so important to everyone what someone does in the privacy of their bedrooms or where someone pees that we have completely ignored that they are still people. Like, holy fuck, just let them pee!

I never before thought I struggled with depression but I am wondering if I have developed it from the deep-seated misanthropy that grows inside of me. The fact that I am considering investing in a tiny house so that I am not tied to one place or so I can easily escape when things become too much is a worrisome thing. I should want to plant roots and make a family but I don’t.

Recent studies have shown that the rate at which people from my generation and younger are having babies is dropping too quickly and I can’t say that I am surprised. There are many reasons why I have chosen a child free life but chief among them is not wanting to bring a child into this world—to see them go through life and be treated like shit the way we treat anyone that doesn’t fit into the box we’ve labelled normal.

They say that normal is just a setting on your washer but truthfully it is this imaginary standard that we measure everyone against. Some fake ideal that we have concocted in our heads from movies, stories, politics, religion, ect, that we use as a ruler and in the end, it’s inadequate, no worse, it’s complete and utter shit and it’s harmful.

We as people can do amazing things and overcome ridiculous obstacles. To be able to write and compose your own songs, then sing those songs with an amazing voice that gives me goosebumps is amazing in general but when it done by someone who is deaf? That is something I would not have thought possible but I was proven wrong. Why can we not use this amazing ability to adapt to accept each other and strive toward greatness and use the resources we currently spend on keeping others down and trying to maintain the imaginary status on helping those in need and decreasing world suck?

When trying to fit people in a box doesn’t work, it’s time to change. When what you believe only hurts and does not help, it’s time to change. When I have to watch an older man, sit and wistfully imagine what it would have been like to experience their first love or crush without the fear of being disowned/abused/arrested/killed it is time to change. When you are putting your personal ideas of what someone else should be before the life and feelings of said person it is time to change.

I can’t teach you to care about others. Empathy, it seems, is becoming an increasingly rare trait and without it we’re all screwed.

A Four Letter Word

There is this predominating thought circulating in certain circles, particularly in the teen years, that the phrase “I love you” is something that should not be uttered lightly.  That the phrase is sacred and has become altogether too commonplace.  This is a lie I tell you.  Yes, saying I love you and not meaning it is a travesty, you should never lie to someone in this way.  But why let the world define for you who you should love and when.  There are many different types of love, all just as valid as the last.  So share your love because being told that you are loved never feels bad! (In this I am excluding all of the situations involving creepy people and bad people.)

I grew up in a home where “I love you” wasn’t said.  I never knew that my mom even cared about me, I often wondered if her life would have been better without me.  I, in turn, never said it to my friends or family.  I kept this phrase to myself, not knowing how others would react or if they would even want me to love them.  After a lot of trial and error and many years of personal growth, I am proud to say that I now say it to many people, expanding my loved ones as often as possible.

The last puff that was added to my personal bubble of love lessons was when I was purchasing my new car.  We were referred to a very nice man from someone at our bank.  This man turned out to be one of the most amazing people I have ever met.  He was kind and caring, took a special interest in me and my husband.  And yes, I can hear your skepticism, and of course he was making money off of the car sale, that’s the way it works.  But I pride myself on not being gullible and not being easy to take advantage of.  This man  helped us find the car we wanted, and let me take it off the lot before I was approved for financing because my car was a death trap.  Then after two weeks of hassle and a lot of stress, the financing came though and he asked that we come back to visit him when we could.  I thought so highly of our experience with him that I took my friend there who was looking for something under $5,000.  “From a dealer?!” Yes, I knew the possibilities were going to be slim but by luck they had a recent trade in that fell within the budget.  After that was taken care of he told us that he loved us and hugged us both.  There is no way that he made a large sum of money off of that resale.  And I found out later that he put $400 dollars of his own money into that car for my friend.

I would not say that my love for him is the same as my love for my husband but that’s the beauty of love: it comes in all varieties.  He is a very kind and genuine man and I do love him.  I love him in the way you love someone that is there for you when you need help, the way you love a friend.  I, also, love all of you.  It takes a bit of courage to put oneself out into the world, there is a lot of judgment that can befall one’s creative works.  But I find it worth it if even one person is helped or inspired by my words.  It is you who encourage me to continue writing and I love you!

So your assignment this time is to find someone that you have love for, but have never told them, and tell them.  They may not know exactly what to say to you but that’s on them not you.  Love shouldn’t be horded and hidden away, it should be shared and spread.  This world will only get better the more we unite in love.