I Don’t Want to be Your Obligation

I am among many when I tell you that much of my time gets sucked up by watching pointless things on Youtube or scrolling through Facebook. I love to follow a new music artist down the rabbit hole and see what great tunes I end up with after my 14 hour marathon but there is someone who has moved beyond just being an ear-gasm for me. She’s influenced me in ways she will never know and cannot know.

I find Youtube to be such a mythical beast. I can know (seemingly) so much about someone but they do not even know I exist. It’s a paradox and at times can be a dangerous one. Fan girls, you know I’m talking about you. Mobbing people isn’t nice even if you think you might get to touch them as they walk by. Anyway, this woman’s name is Meghan Tonjes and she preaches what lives in my soul and fuels my brain. (Casually and not fan-girling at all!)

She’s said this a few times before and I’ve know it to be fact but I was recently helping someone deal with their life when her words slapped me with their truth. Here’s the light for those of you stuck in the dark: “If someone wants to spend time with you, they will. If someone wants to be with you, they will.”

I have spent so much of my life making excuses for the people who weren’t there, lovers and friends. I questioned my thoughts and my judgement in favor of someone who had tossed me aside without some much as a wave. I would make excuses for their behavior like applying a relationship band-aid. Eventually though I had to stop. It’s hard, I know. But if they wanted to make time for me they would. I wouldn’t be thinking about how I would like to spend time with them because I would be with them.

My least favorite part of relationships like this is the other person usually gets defensive. “Well, you never contacted me.” I hate this for two reasons. One, in the age of technology I can pull up on my phone exactly how many unanswered texts there were. Two, “Bitch the phone works both ways.” Despite the fact that I did call them seven times in the past two months, most of which went unanswered or resulted in a two minute conversazione of them saying, “I’ll call you later.”, it’s not solely my responsibility to be the communicator in this relationship.

It sucks to realize I’ve put effort into a relationship that I now feel alone in. The more effort I put in, the more pain. I would begin to wonder what I did wrong and how to fix it. Or I would think of all the other relationships that have ended and wonder if it’s more than that. I would wonder if it was less about this one relationship and more about my love-ability as it were.

But I learned somewhat along the way to stop doing this to myself. I am proud of who I am and sometimes people just grow apart and even more often people either aren’t who you thought they were or they grow into someone you don’t know anymore. It’s not fair and it’s not right but it’s my truth.

It’s time to let go of the ships that we’re sailing alone. Let them sink on their own and grieve them as the weight tugs at you but release it to the watery depths. Someone who once meant a great deal to you, the person you knew when the relationship was good, would never want you to feel the way you do now. Imagine they weren’t the one letting go. Pretend to tell them about this failing relationship. What would they tell you to do about your sinking ship?

And finally, love yourself like you loved them. Don’t mistreat yourself and don’t second guess yourself. Give yourself the confidence you need to stand up and fight for your feelings. But mostly give yourself the room to feel sad before turning your face to the sun and trying again.