Late-night Foray into the Void

On a relatively late-night stroll into the ether, or the internet as it were, I found my way into my own particular gut wrenching subsection. I began looking at tiny houses and wondered what it would be like to quit my job and live a life of traveling and seeing the world. Then I was watching a video about a deaf girl who could sing better than I ever could even in the prime of my chorus days and then I landed on the one that broke me. Turned my already fracturing understanding of the human race and its current way of functioning into a pile of ashes.

I splintered and shattered as I looked at an old man while he described to a boy what it was like for him to come out as gay when he was younger. He briefly described that it was illegal and that if you were spending the night with a male friend and the police came in and found you in bed together that you could be arrested simply because. Watching him dream about what it would be like to be able to think about being gay as maybe not “such a big deal” and definitely not face the same consequences as he would have in his youth.

And all I can say is what have we done? What are we still doing? We make people who are too old to restart, or too tired to try again, dream about the sludge that we still turn out as human beings. To fantasize about the trash that is being put forth by many people toward the LGBTQA community is inconceivable to me, even though I know progress has been made. And no, I am not talking about LGBTQA community exclusively, my hopelessness encompasses all oppressed or discriminated against people.

What kind of a society are we that we can’t just let people be. Where I, who pass in all ways, still want to escape the shit people we have become as a society. When did it become so important to everyone what someone does in the privacy of their bedrooms or where someone pees that we have completely ignored that they are still people. Like, holy fuck, just let them pee!

I never before thought I struggled with depression but I am wondering if I have developed it from the deep-seated misanthropy that grows inside of me. The fact that I am considering investing in a tiny house so that I am not tied to one place or so I can easily escape when things become too much is a worrisome thing. I should want to plant roots and make a family but I don’t.

Recent studies have shown that the rate at which people from my generation and younger are having babies is dropping too quickly and I can’t say that I am surprised. There are many reasons why I have chosen a child free life but chief among them is not wanting to bring a child into this world—to see them go through life and be treated like shit the way we treat anyone that doesn’t fit into the box we’ve labelled normal.

They say that normal is just a setting on your washer but truthfully it is this imaginary standard that we measure everyone against. Some fake ideal that we have concocted in our heads from movies, stories, politics, religion, ect, that we use as a ruler and in the end, it’s inadequate, no worse, it’s complete and utter shit and it’s harmful.

We as people can do amazing things and overcome ridiculous obstacles. To be able to write and compose your own songs, then sing those songs with an amazing voice that gives me goosebumps is amazing in general but when it done by someone who is deaf? That is something I would not have thought possible but I was proven wrong. Why can we not use this amazing ability to adapt to accept each other and strive toward greatness and use the resources we currently spend on keeping others down and trying to maintain the imaginary status on helping those in need and decreasing world suck?

When trying to fit people in a box doesn’t work, it’s time to change. When what you believe only hurts and does not help, it’s time to change. When I have to watch an older man, sit and wistfully imagine what it would have been like to experience their first love or crush without the fear of being disowned/abused/arrested/killed it is time to change. When you are putting your personal ideas of what someone else should be before the life and feelings of said person it is time to change.

I can’t teach you to care about others. Empathy, it seems, is becoming an increasingly rare trait and without it we’re all screwed.

Dear Physics,

I hate you so much.  I would tell you to take a flying leap of a large cliff but you would probably ask me to calculate the time it would take for you to hit the ground and how far away from the base of the cliff you would be.  If I had a dollar for every feel you have made me feel, I would be rich.  I want to set you on FIRE!  And curse you NEWTON!!!!!  Ahhhhhhhh!

-Sincerely,  The rage beast that hates you.

My teacher is incompetent.  I even had a friend go with me to class (she’s already taken physics) and even she told me that she didn’t know what he was talking about.  I have started learning for Khan’s academy, bless that man and his brightly colored marking, and this has brought me more understanding in seven 5-10 minute videos than eight 80 minute classes have!  Not to mention I get to watch those in my pajamas.  There was a test of just what a horrible teacher he is on Tuesday the 24th, he made everyone come to the front of the class and show their formula sheet to him and clear the memory on their calculators before they received a test.  He then promptly informed the class that if they didn’t bring a calculator then they could USE THEIR PHONES, but they better not google.  Can someone explain this logic to me?!  I heard from a girl I study with that there was a boy at the back of the class that pulled out a sheet of notes and used it for the whole test, I mean, what the hell?  I had another exam this morning, where the teacher provided simple calculators for people that had forgotten theirs and had brought with him a slew of TA’s to keep a watchful on the miscreants of the class.  They were like sentinels and I was afraid to look at them for more than a moment…  And I thought to myself, this is how the Physics test should have gone.  But no, for my academic honesty, all I received was a failing grade.  It’s not like the grades from the test will even reflect accurately the understanding of the class as a whole; too many people cheated, there will be no curve.  My teacher’s boss will not know that he is a poor teacher with no plan and no clue.  I will be labelled dunce and forced to either pay someone else to teach me (in which case I think I deserve a refund for the class) or resort to the same dishonest behavior as everyone else, just so I can be “on par”…