Add Some Chaos to the Madness

The past month has been a bit of a whirl for me, my husband still has not found another job, bills are being paid by helpful family members and I am coming to terms with the fact that I have to quit school so that I can support my small but demanding household.  This is my chaos.

I have been working for years toward a goal that I’m not even sure I want anymore but loath to give up because it means I have to return to the drawing board.  I spent a month writing a novel in the hopes that someone will read and want to publish it.  This is my madness.

My life has stopped making sense.  I am stressed out to the point of making myself sick.  I try to soldier on and continue with my life but then something else comes to smack me in the face.

On the morning of Thanksgiving some more bad news blew into my life, anything that I had been thankful for disappeared and I was left feeling depressed.  My husband and I loaded into the car a little later to gather with family for the holiday but I was still feeling low.  In the evening my whole family gathered in the living room and they went around to every single person so that they could share what they were thankful for.  I was not in the mood to be thankful for anything, I did not share.  Instead I went to the corner to feel sorry for myself.

Later, when my bad mood had passed and I squared my shoulders to again face life head on, I felt like I had cheated myself out of something.  There were many things I was thankful for that I had now missed the opportunity to share with my family.

In times of sadness and struggle it is so easy to lose oneself in the big problem that is staring us in the face and ignore the fact that there are little victories but the truth is that little victories are what make life worth living.  Little victories are what you get up for in the morning and what keeps us going between the big events, victory or failure.

So in no particular order, my victories this year:

  • My Grandpa walked me down the aisle.
  • I got married.
  • I finished Nanowrimo.
  • I made new friends.
  • I ate Chipotle in three new states.
  • I got to see my niece.
  • I ran a 5K with said niece.
  • I did a 5K with my friends.
  • I left the country for the very first time.
  • I got a new car.
  • I found the place that I want to live.
  • I found the house I want to live in.
  • My relationship with my husband is better than it has been in years.

Trials of Strength and Ineptitude

There are moments in life that you know are specifically there to test what you are made of, to try and see if you can be broken and if not, then to bend you and add some spackle so you are irrevocably bent in this new direction and cemented there.  One of these such moments has befallen my household.  My husband, after working months to rewrite a major part of code for an internet security company, was “let go” within 30 minutes of telling the owners how to install the code on all the other machines.  There was no warning; there was no heads up.  There is something to be said for looking at your life and knowing that it could all come to a screeching halt in a matter of weeks.  Knowing that your existence depends on this little bit of paper (or in most cases as few numbers held on a magic box somewhere) and there isn’t a dang thing you can do without it.

My husband is not normally the optimistic one of us two.  He is the grumpy, down-trodden, self-doubting one.  But this time, I guess he knew that I wasn’t going to be able to hold us because he is seeing this as an opportunity to find himself a better job, one that he likes, one where the owners care about the product they are making.  He is almost excited to look for something else and elated at not having to answer to his jerk-faced bosses anymore.  I, on the other hand, am done.  I have a limited well of caring that I can dish out.  School is taking so much out of me that I can’t give anything else to this.  I am ready to lay down and let the train of life run me over and kill me in its tracks.