Trigger warning: sexual violence
Imagine your daughter comes home from high school where she stayed after to do research on a project. She comes home and ask you if you’ve ever heard of asexual people before. You respond accordingly and have a conversation about it. At the end of the conversation, she tells you she thinks she might be asexual.
Maybe you take this in stride, you love your children regardless of who they are and you know they will continue to try to figure themselves out far into adulthood. Or maybe you don’t take it well. Maybe you don’t know what asexuality is other than what she just told you and you’re a little over loaded with information. Either way I hope you tell her you love her and that you are there for her no matter what she needs.
Within weeks she begins to tell her friends at school. Most them are fine but maybe she loses a few friends but still has a solid support group. You notice she’s struggling though. She cries a lot in her room alone and after a few days you can’t take it. You knock on the door and when she doesn’t answer you crack it and ask if you can come in. She makes an agreeable noise and you walk in.
She laying on her bed, her face hidden and it pulls on your heart because she’s hurting and you’re clueless.
“Can you talk to me about it,” is all you ask.
She doesn’t move for a long time but you sit in her desk chair and wait. Your silence more valuable than any empty words you could utter.
She begins quietly telling you about a boy at school. A boy she had been talking to before she discovered her asexuality. At first she thought he would understand. He even asked her out last week, but when they had left the movie and were in the parking lot he had started touching her. He said he could show her what she was missing and that she wasn’t really different from other girls just uneducated. She had pushed him off, and tried to get out of the car but he was stronger and had over-powered her. He tried to say it was for her own good and she wouldn’t be asexual once she knew what sex was really like.
Your daughter was sexually abused by a boy she was seeing, simply because she doesn’t feel sexual desire. He wanted to “fix” her.
Obviously, you take your daughter to the police station and fill out a police report and do whatever it takes to remove her from anywhere he can reach.
Does it matter that she’s different? Does it really hurt anyone for her to be who she is?
The asexual community, as it emerges from the shadows faces ridicule and judgement from many people. Below I give you an asexual bingo card from author Julie Decker who recently published The Invisible Orientation.
These things and many other are heard by asexuals as they come out to people. Even in my own small scope of people I talk to on a regular basis I’ve heard “Asexuals don’t exist. They just haven’t gotten any good ‘D.'” Thankfully, I was at work and he wasn’t hostile but others are not so fortunate.
I really just wish people would live and let live. What does anyone else’s sexuality have to do with the world at large.