See Me Yet?

Last in the Asexuality series (not to be confused with the last time I’m going to write about asexuality) is a short post about where to go from here.

For those learning about asexuality for the first time, please don’t stop here. There are many other people blogging about asexuality and other resources talking about it. Remember that the experiences of other may sound different than what you’ve read from me but that’s because they are. No one experiences things the same way and one persons asexuality won’t necessarily be exactly like mine.

For those questioning their sexuality, trust yourself. No one can tell you who you are or how you’re supposed to feel. If you are searching for a word to magically fix everything, just know there isn’t one. Label and identifiers are only what you make them and even when applied by yourself can feel restricting. Let your ideas and questions work on themselves and you just try and be the best version of you you can be.

My hope for the future of the asexual community is complete social awareness and equality. Some of you may thing this is a huge step but it is what I hope in general, equality for everyone with no discrimination, no hate. I have always found the fact that as human beings we always find someone else to discriminate against appalling.

But if you look back through the history of our race that is what you’ll find. One group, not agreeing with another and trying to oppress them with the oppressed group fighting back. I told my partner many years ago that once gay people eventually gained their freedom and equality a new group would take their place. Another group that has been oppressed and made to feel ashamed for simply being who they are.

I challenge you, reader, to go from this with nothing more or less than a new view on the people around you. Be mindful of the things you say and know that intent and impact can be worlds apart. I posted this series with the intent of raising awareness and fertilizing the soil of some minds but you are the one it impacted, you are the other side of that coin. Do I know the full impact of my posts? No. Did they have any undesired effects? Maybe, I don’t know. But if they did then hopefully you’ll forgive me and take away the positive from what you’ve read and learned over the last six weeks with me.

And lastly, I have a small hope, a wish if you will, to hear that when people are teaching their children about sexuality and puberty and so forth that the entire QUILT BAG spectrum be included in that discussion. Leaving it out won’t stop children for being on the spectrum it simply prolongs their feeling of being outside of everyone around them. If you love them teach them what they need to know to live better and more fulfilled lives, give them the tools they need to know that they are not alone.

Since When is That a Solution!

Trigger warning: sexual violence

Imagine your daughter comes home from high school where she stayed after to do research on a project. She comes home and ask you if you’ve ever heard of asexual people before. You respond accordingly and have a conversation about it. At the end of the conversation, she tells you she thinks she might be asexual.

Maybe you take this in stride, you love your children regardless of who they are and you know they will continue to try to figure themselves out far into adulthood. Or maybe you don’t take it well. Maybe you don’t know what asexuality is other than what she just told you and you’re a little over loaded with information. Either way I hope you tell her you love her and that you are there for her no matter what she needs.

Within weeks she begins to tell her friends at school. Most them are fine but maybe she loses a few friends but still has a solid support group. You notice she’s struggling though. She cries a lot in her room alone and after a few days you can’t take it. You knock on the door and when she doesn’t answer you crack it and ask if you can come in. She makes an agreeable noise and you walk in.

She laying on her bed, her face hidden and it pulls on your heart because she’s hurting and you’re clueless.

“Can you talk to me about it,” is all you ask.

She doesn’t move for a long time but you sit in her desk chair and wait. Your silence more valuable than any empty words you could utter.

She begins quietly telling you about a boy at school. A boy she had been talking to before she discovered her asexuality. At first she thought he would understand. He even asked her out last week, but when they had left the movie and were in the parking lot he had started touching her. He said he could show her what she was missing and that she wasn’t really different from other girls just uneducated. She had pushed him off, and tried to get out of the car but he was stronger and had over-powered her. He tried to say it was for her own good and she wouldn’t be asexual once she knew what sex was really like.

Your daughter was sexually abused by a boy she was seeing, simply because she doesn’t feel sexual desire. He wanted to “fix” her.

Obviously, you take your daughter to the police station and fill out a police report and do whatever it takes to remove her from anywhere he can reach.

Does it matter that she’s different? Does it really hurt anyone for her to be who she is?

The asexual community, as it emerges from the shadows faces ridicule and judgement from many people. Below I give you an asexual bingo card from author Julie Decker who recently published The Invisible Orientation.

Click to access acebingoflier.pdf

These things and many other are heard by asexuals as they come out to people. Even in my own small scope of people I talk to on a regular basis I’ve heard “Asexuals don’t exist. They just haven’t gotten any good ‘D.'” Thankfully, I was at work and he wasn’t hostile but others are not so fortunate.

I really just wish people would live and let live. What does anyone else’s sexuality have to do with the world at large.

My topic for this blog comes from this article and I highly recommend watching this video to see Julie Decker play asexual BINGO.

The Stupidity of Love

I met a girl back in high school. I met her before I knew who I was; back when I thought bisexuals were just horny, back before I knew sexuality was a sliding scale, back when I believed in the Christian god.

She made me happy. I wanted to be around her, always. She quickly became one of my best friends. We bonded over poems of teenage angst and a mutual love for a very stupid guy. Yet, in a very short time she became as important to me as he was, if not more so. I wasn’t to realize until years later that I was in love with her. “How can you not know?!” (yes, I can hear you) Love isn’t that easy.  And it sure as hell isn’t that easy when people are shoving their beliefs down your throat. (Good ol’ Bible belt…)

After high school she moved in with a man and slowly started changing. At least that’s the way I saw it, some of my peers say otherwise. She became kind of selfish. I can’t give you a blow by blow because my memory is poor but I continued to be blind to my love of her for a while.  Until one night, full of booze, I convinced her we should make out. I won’t say that’s when I figured it out but it’s when the fire was stoked and any hope I had of forgetting her was gone. Through time I found out that she used to crush on me back when I was stupid about love. She mentioned that the timing was just never right for us to be together. For me, she is the one that got away.

“If you loved her for so long you must have been single for a long time…trying to work through those feelings and all…” muttered random blog reader.  That is not true, aside from the fact that she eventually married the man she moved in with after high school, I do not believe that you can only love one person at a time.  Being polyamorous isn’t a choice I made, it is just something that is true for me.  While I was in love with her I fell for two other people and not necessarily separately.  I believe that you never love the same way twice.  This means that I love my husband with a very different love than that which I gave to said girl.  The love that I gave to her I can never give to anyone else because loving anyone else will inevitably be different than loving her.

She met a very nice man and I finally saw what some had been trying to tell me for so long. She was selfish, and not just a little bit. But to tell you the truth, I didn’t care. I loved her, gigantic flaw and all. But when we would fight or when she would do something awful to me, I found myself talking about it constantly, to anyone that would listen. It began to affect my other relationships, all of them. I went back and forth for a couple of years, talking about how mistreated I felt, while still seeing her when she would call. She moved far away and wouldn’t talk to me for months but when she was home I was there whenever she wanted. The last time I saw her I asked her to be a bridesmaid. She stood me up after accepting.

One point that I want to bring fully into the light, without beating around the bush is that I both loved and hated her.  There are three emotions that are said to be tied to the heart.  Three feelings that can exist simultaneously even though you would think them to be opposites: love, hatred and fear.  This is why people can still love their abusive partners; why people sometimes fall for their worst enemy.  This is also the reason that the opposite of love isn’t hatred, it is indifference.  It is so easy to transfer all of the passion from loving someone to hating them, when it is over.  All that does is switches emotions but both are still very powerful and both can still cause you to loose control of yourself.  It is when you have control over your emotions and your actions around and about a person that you are truly over them.

The problem is that I still love her and it claws at me everyday that I don’t try to contact her. I’m done and it sucks. There is such a very specific part of my set of needs that she fills. (I do not know if this is because she’s a soul mate or if because I’ve loved her since I was young and for so long.) Even my husband, beautiful man that he is, doesn’t fill the same gaps she did.

I pride myself on being someone that people turn to when they are in emotional need. I’m good at helping in that way. I’ve helped women in abusive relationships escape from men who treat them like she does me. But at night, when I should be sleeping for class, I lay awake arguing with myself about putting things into public places hoping she finds them. I am strong enough, to not message her directly but that doesn’t stop the wheels in my head. This post is my insurance to myself that I won’t tell her about my latest adventure in writing.  She comes home again this winter, if you see this post disappear then my will has failed me again.

Gay People

So for today’s rant we will touch on one of my favorite topics, instigated by stupid, ill-informed jerks on the internet.

If you peruse the internet for any length of time, you will come to notice that there is a lot of stupid out there.  People who think that for one reason or another they are better than other people and as such have the right to judge “lesser” beings.  So today’s message is brought to you by the letter “I”.

/Ignorance:  There is a man in Nigeria who did many “scientific” tests to prove that gay marriage is wrong.  (Mr. Nigeria)  Basically stating that because the opposite ends of two different magnets attract then being gay is wrong.  Now, this pisses me off for two reasons: 1) you are attacking a people that do nothing to harm or injure you by simply living their lives the way that they wish to do so and 2) you are using science, my beloved science, for your foul and vicious attack on these people.  Not to mention that this isn’t even proper science, this is discrimination and hatred being labelled as scientific fact!

/Incorrect: Aside from Mr. Nigeria over there trying to use “science” to prove something that can not be proven the way he wants it to, the other leading argument against gay people comes from religious beliefs.  If you can unbiasedly think of a reason that gay couples should not be allowed then please leave me a comment, but please do remember that anything including hate, discrimination or references to you moral beliefs, is no longer unbiased.  For some entertainment, or in my case something that makes you yell at your computer, try the atheist experience on for size (click me).  The atheist experience is a radio show based out of Austin, Texas where a panel of atheists have a topic of the day and take callers.  Often those callers are Christians who want to argue their point with things from the bible.  The link goes to an episode, sometimes hard to hear, where the caller says, “Of course it’s unnatural, it’s scientific.”  Something that many Christians tend to not understand is that if the person has no belief in the book, then arguments based on it carry no weight.

/Ill-informed:  There seems to be a specific subset of peole that tend to think that being gay is unnatural.  I would like to know then, how do they explain all of the animals in nature getting it on with the same sex?  These are not cases of mistaken identity, the sense of smell in most animals is too well developed for a female to be mistaken as male or vice versa.  These are wild animals with less cognizant ability than humans, that can literally only do what comes NATURALLY to them, having sex with other members of their species that are the same sex.

/Intolerant:  Let us pretend for a moment that I wanted to play the game by Christian rules.  Hypothetically the bible is right and I believe in the words contained within.  Here are some verses direct from god showing that typical anti-homophobic behavior is against his word.  James 2:10 – For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one [point], he is guilty of all.  (Meaning: he who has sinned in any point, is guilty of disregarding the whole of god’s rules for men)  1 John 3:15 – Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him.  (Meaning: no one has the right to hate to judge anyone else for their behavior, sinning or otherwise, under threat of losing eternal life with god). And for all of the homophobes out there: 1 John 4:18 – There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.  (Meaning:  With fear in your heart you cannot love anyone perfectly, not even god for if you did you would have no more fear)  And a few on being a judgy know-it-all: Luke 6:37 – Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven & John 8:7 – He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone…  (Meaning:  You are not god keep your judgements to yourself for you are not perfect as he and cannot pass judgement on any others.)

Do not let any of that confuse you into thinking that I sympathize with the anti-gay side of this argument.  I have a few well educated Christian friends who may not agree with homosexuality as they do believe in the word of the bible but they are also not there judging my homosexual friends making themselves to feel superior.  And as so far in my opinion of gay marriage, your morals, no matter how correct you deem them to be, are simply just an opinion.  They cannot be upheld by a constitution that demands a separation of church and state, and never entitles the recipients of freedoms, the right to enforce their beliefs on other.  While it does specifically state that freedoms shall be equally granted to all.

Thank you and goodnight!