It’s been over two years since we’ve spoken. Over a year since I told you why I had turned away. A mark of self preservation I didn’t know would run the length of my life from that point forward. A scar to traverse the years connecting my heart to yours through the end of time. Sometimes I do not know if I did the right thing, on nights like tonight I can’t see the point anymore.
I used to cry and I still cry. I used to long for you and I still do. Where does the gain come from stopping you from hurting me if I took up the knife myself. Every dream of you is a nightmare and a punch in the face. Every thought of you is a burn on my flesh. Every time I think to tell you of my life since you left is a cut. I am bruised and bloody of my own volition and the worst part is that I don’t think you even care.
You cannot hurt as I do or you would try to contact me. You do not wake with your arm aching to hold me. Of course you do not, our relationship was always one sided. You told me not to hold you so people wouldn’t assume. You kept me at a distance unless there was no one else. I know all this and I know it’s not right but how do I convince my heart that you’re not worth the pain?