That’s not living…that’s just not dying.

In my life I strive to have no regrets.  I know this may seem like a “no duh” type of statement but if you truly consider it how many people live their lives specifically with that goal in mind it is actually less common than you think.  This aim helps me to put my life in a new perspective when it comes to making tough decisions required from time to time.  When I am deciding whether things are worth doing or people are worth knowing I try to take a step back and look at the big picture with and without said option.  The problem for me comes when I am likely to regret either possible outcome.  This situation doesn’t arise often but I have hit it full on and am aching from the impact.

There was a post made a while back about a girl that I fell in love with when I was younger.  She let the silence between us span almost a year before she contacted me on her return to the states.  The message was inadequate and unprovoking in it’s entirety but the sheer fact that she messaged me at all after such a long hiatus sent me into an emotional spiral, the likes of which are rarely seen outside of the halls of high school.  I did not respond immediately, I tried to weigh my options but this was one case where I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t.  Having her in my life was so important to me that I ached to message her back so I could see her once more but the problem was at this point seeing her and continuing our friendship was so painful that as much as I wanted everything to be okay the truth is that it wasn’t and probably never would be again.  I lived in limbo with my feelings for almost a month before I made my choice.  Having her in my life was no longer worth enduring the pain and longing I had every time she abandoned me emotionally.

I decided that it was time to end things and begin the healing process.  I wrote a letter explaining myself to her.  I believe that she deserved to know where I stood instead of us just being silent and I felt that I needed to say some things for the sake of closure.  I expressed all that I could in the best way I knew how, with honesty and sincerity.  She, understandably, didn’t respond well.  I received a note back containing a few defenses of her actions and a wish that things wouldn’t end this way and confusingly a statement that the silence between us was somehow my fault.  All of that aside I finally felt done, there was no excuse good enough to explain away the utter disregard she had shown for me as a friend or otherwise and now I had the only amount of closure I was going to get.

So where does this leave us?  It leaves you reading a blog about a broken heart and me trying to deal with high school strength emotions in my adult mind.  I feel utterly broken whenever I try to deal with the situation brewing inside my head/heart straight on.  Logic is inadequate at making sense of my emotions and what I am feeling can be so overwhelming.  I am reminded that there are some things only time can heal and even though I find that to be a horrible answer to any problem; it is, alas, my only answer and I am ready to move on, to live…

So I leave you with the every so slightly cliched but still relevant words of One Direction – Story of My Life

“And I’ll be gone, gone tonight
The ground beneath my feet is open wide
The way that I’ve been holding on too tight
With nothing in between

The story of my life
I take her home
I drive all night to keep her warm
And time… is frozen
The story of my life”

About torntreasure

I'm a 32 year writer and optician. I am loud and out-spoken and I do not lie or sugar coat things. I love to write; I love to read. I like eyeballs. I want to be an artist. I want to paint the world with my words and make you glasses so you can see it! Ha ha!

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